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Common
Sense Humor
Subject: If Noah had
lived in the United States in the today
If Noah had lived in the United States today, the story may have gone
something like this:
And the Lord spoke to Noah and said, "In one year, I am going to
make it rain and cover the whole Earth with water until all flesh is
destroyed. But I want you to save the righteous people and two of every
kind of living thing on earth. Therefore, I am commanding you to build
an Ark."
In a flash of lightning, God delivered the specifications for an Ark. In
fear and trembling, Noah took the plans and agreed to build the ark.
"Remember," said the Lord, "you must complete the Ark and
bring everything aboard in one year."
Exactly one-year later, fierce storm clouds covered the earth and all
the seas of the earth went into a tumult. The Lord saw that Noah was
sitting in his front yard weeping.
"Noah!" He shouted. "Where is the Ark?"
"Lord, please forgive me," cried Noah. "I did my best,
but there were big problems. First, I had to get a permit for
construction, and your plans did not meet the building codes. I had to
hire an engineering firm and redraw the plans. Then I got into a fight
with OSHA over whether or not the Ark needed a sprinkler system and
approved floatation devices. Then, my neighbor objected, claiming I was
violating zoning ordinances by building the Ark in my front yard, so I
had to get a variance from the city planning commission.
"Then, I had problems getting enough wood for the Ark, because
there was a ban on cutting trees to protect the Spotted Owl. I finally
convinced the U.S. Forest Service that I really needed the wood to save
the owls. However, the Fish and Wildlife Service won't let me take the 2
owls. The carpenters formed a union and went on strike. I had to
negotiate a settlement with the National Labor Relations Board before
anyone would pick up a saw or hammer. Now, I have 16 carpenters on the
Ark, but still no owls.
"When I started rounding up the other animals, an animal rights
group sued me. They objected to me taking only two of each kind aboard.
This suit is pending. Meanwhile, the EPA notified me that I could not
complete the Ark without filing an environmental impact statement on
your proposed flood. They didn't take very kindly to the idea that they
had no jurisdiction over the conduct of the Creator of the Universe.
Then, the Army Corps of Engineers demanded a map of the proposed flood
plain. I sent them a globe.
"Right now, I am trying to resolve a complaint filed with the Equal
Employment Opportunity Commission that I am practicing discrimination by
not taking atheists aboard. The IRS has seized my assets, claiming that
I'm building the Ark in preparation to flee the country to avoid paying
taxes. I just got a notice from the state that I owe them some kind of
user tax and failed to register the Ark as a recreational watercraft.
And finally, the ACLU got the courts to issue an injunction against
further construction of the Ark, saying that since God is flooding the
earth, it's a religious event, and, therefore unconstitutional. I really
don't think I can finish the Ark for another five or six years."
Noah waited.
The sky began to clear, the sun began to shine, and the seas began to
calm. A rainbow developed across the sky. Noah looked up hopefully.
"You mean you're not going to destroy the earth, Lord?"
"No," He said sadly. "I don't have to. The government
already has."
Ain't
it the truth!!! |
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